It’s safe to say that this year has had a rough start. Rougher than normal. Being in uni means going from festive to books in a second, kinda literally. As did I, until 11-01-2018. What happened then you can read here. Today, the beginning of my birthday month🎉, marks the start of a new chapter called “Get back up & Try Again”. Just like the trees in spring I too shall blossom again.
First let me answer the most pending question “Am I better?”. Yes I am. Well, if we’re having this conversation in my world. The meaning of better in societies terms then, unfortunately, it is a no. I am however well on my way to being better, the better society refers to. In my case, as far as I know now, better now means pain free, because the girl I used to be I am no longer.
Chapter “I don’t know” ended with what I wished for, a diagnoses. Unfortunately it is one that is going to stick for a lifetime. No, not because it is in my medical file but because it is chronic. Which is scary. Very very scary. I further am not going to go into what it is because having it in print here kinda totally breaks my heart. Perhaps one day, but not today.
”Never let a stumble in the road be the end of your journey”
– Unknown (to me..)
Today I am starting a new chapter, ‘’Get back up & try again’’. The thing I preach to anyone who will listen has been delivered at my doorstep in a very brutal manner. ‘’Tomorrow is never a promise’’. You never know what tomorrow holds so you have to make the most out of today. I know that to be true more than ever now. One night changed my life twice, leaving me not knowing what my next step would be. Especially after the diagnoses came.
“What do I do now” is the question I have asked myself more times then there are seconds in a day. I felt lost. My sense of self disappeared, which left a void. A very big void. The only “I am..” I could pledge was “I am sick”. My mind wasn’t being nurtured anymore so all the bad got a chance to roam free. And they did, happily.
But now I know. I get back up, dust myself off and start again, because through all that has happened I’m still here, alive, meaning I still got a second chance. Realizing that has been my saving grace. I can still write My Story Of I. I just have to make adjustments. The first being get myself back in a good place mentally and spiritually. Dealing with all that was going through my mind has been and is a hard process. But I’m winning ground back everyday.
I am a big believer that something breaks so it can be built better. In this case it is me, broken physically, mentally and spiritually. In this chapter I will continue to rebuild myself better, stronger, healthier and happier. For this to hopefully stick as hard as that diagnoses I have to leave the me I was behind, the life I am building has to change and certain things cannot continue. I’d be sad but through change I became the happiest I’d ever been so I know my rollercoaster is on it’s way up again.
Slowly but steadily I’m starting to feel like me again. Me, a girl who holds the pen with which she writes her story.