There is nothing quite as scary as deciding to fully focus on making something happen that only you can see. On the other hand there is most likely nothing that’ll make you as happy as the pursuit of making it happen. Which is what I told myself repeatedly on the days leading up to May 9th 2016. Looking back now it has been the happiest time of my life. All because I made a decision. A decision to choose me, my happiness and to go out and create my own prosperity. A decision which I will continue to make until the moment that I take my last breath. Looking back has brought back my determination to keep on going forward instead of backwards. Continuing creating happiness.
In this past week I noticed how easy it is to fall back into old destructive patterns. Patterns that need to be walked away from in order to continue to grow. I have been called selfish for choosing me without apologies and for not including my surrounding in the process. At first this completely and utterly bothered me. However I have come to realize that I am not selfish for choosing to love myself, to take care of myself, creating happiness for myself and to give myself what I need when I need it. It is by far not selfish, it is very highly necessary in order for me to function properly. To be able to at my desired level participate in society as it is. It is necessary because it enables me to be a good daughter, cousin, sister and friend. Everyone might not be included in the process but do reap the fruit of my personal labor. So where exactly does the selfishness come in?
This brings me to this week’s wonderings. I wondered whether I should just go ahead and push through and cut out the last of the ‘’have-to’s’’ that I do still oblige myself to do. I have known for the longest time that I prefer to not do them however parting ways has proven to be one step too far. Now due to recent family shake ups I have gotten another reminder of how precious time and life is. I have also gotten a reminder that the saying ‘’At the end of the ride you regret the things you didn’t do more than the things you did’’ is in fact very true. I wonder whether this is a case of 1+1=2. Parting ways with the last bit of ‘’have-to’s’’ will burn the bridge that partly links me to some of my destructive patterns. It kinda feels like I would be killing two birds with one stone.
On the other side I wonder what the reason is why I have held on to these ways for as long as I have. I mean it wouldn’t necessarily be harder to part ways as with other things. I have made many changes to my life in the past months. In the past year I have terminated friendships, decided to no longer participate in some of society’s expectations and have trained myself out of habits. So really why is it that I am fussing so much over these last bits? Could it just be that the last part is always the hardest? I sincerely doubt that in this case. Currently I am at a point where I don’t know but also know. I don’t know how I am going to part ways but I do know that I want to which is enough reason to part ways.
Life is just better when you make moves that help you in the process of creating happiness on the long run.