Conscious awareness, the part of us that allows us to know and realize what is happening. In psychology it is said that as long as you are not consciously aware of what is happening, you are unable to change it. I guess that is true because since last week I have become almost painfully aware of my anxieties. I mean I knew something was going on, you do not get thrown off course for nothing but I think there is more than I anticipated.
I have known for a long time that certain events cause me to feel anxious. More anxious than ultimately necessary but that is just the way I am. However lately I am feeling a sort of anxiety about events that normally did not make me feel that way. With normally I mean before my world got a little shaken up. I cannot help but wonder whether that is anxiety or just my gut feeling speaking to me since the feeling feels different from anxiety.
I wonder if it is my gut feeling that is the reason why my anxiety feelings felt so intense two weeks ago. Were they teaming up? In some way it would make sense for them to partner up. My anxiety shows discomfort and my gut feelings usually warn me for certain events, actions and things. As far as my anxiety goes I know what triggers it and how to deal with it. Most of the time. My gut feeling is something I have always had but not always listened to.
Since starting My Story Of I, I started listening to my gut feeling more since I figured that it was usually right. In the past when my gut said A and my head said B and I went with B, and B ended up biting me in my rear-end. I wonder if by listening to it more, it grew in power? Am I now more able to feel it, hear it and experience it? Could it all be because I have been giving my gut feeling more conscious attention? It certainly works that way with anxiety. The more you focus on it the more you feel it. That is why this week was somewhat harder than normal, even though I distracted and helped myself the best I could.
I wonder whether becoming consciously aware of my inner sensations, thus gut feeling, will lead to decreasing the tense feeling around it. Or is it a mix up and is it a tense feeling because I am still working on properly controlling my anxieties again*? Since becoming consciously aware that I had not dealt with some aspects properly I have started to make conscious changes to prevent a new relapse, which I hope is working. Either way I am calmer now than I was a week ago, would that be an argument pro the decrease of tenseness after dealing with my anxiety?
Are my signals crossed or are they correct and am I not reading them correctly? I can’t help but wonder is conscious awareness always great?
Continue the story: From Tension To Clarity, What A life
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*Again because I thought I had them under control.