I spend all week thinking about changes and becoming who I am today. When is it that you know you have changed enough? Or better yet that the changes are permanent? Is there a telltale for it? I couldn’t help but wonder about these questions. Especially since I saw first hand how easy it is to fall back into the you, you don’t want to be. When I say first hand I mean in me, myself and I. Well let me make that more precise. The me, myself and I that I was a week and two weeks ago. I stumbled upon a new aspect I had not taken into consideration when starting the process of becoming a better version of myself.
I changed. I know I have said it a million times by now but it is true, I know for a fact now. Well I had known for quite some time but now I have gotten clear undeniable proof. Well, I have gotten proof before but this somehow feels more tangible. Even more tangible than getting hives. Have you ever policed yourself? I caught myself telling myself I wasn’t being good. I’m aware that this sounds like I have lost my mind, just bare with me while I explain what I mean. Eating candy makes me break out. However I found myself in a position where I could get candy that I can’t easily get because they are not sold in my direct surrounding.
The question rose whether to buy or not to buy. My immediate response was to buy because it was such a rare occasion and wouldn’t eat it anymore afterwards. It would not mean I will suddenly start eating candy again plus it was just this once that I would be breaking my own rules. I helplessly tried to convince myself that it was okay to break the rules just this once. With great emphasis on the just this once part. While the other part of me was reciting all that I learned in the past months about habit formation, how hard I worked to break the candy eating habit and the potential risk in eating the candy. At the same time feeling guilty before having even decided.
I decided to buy the candy and best believe I enjoyed every little bite of it. Did I break out? Yes, a little but still a yes. Have I eaten any candy once the pack was empty? No. Do I feel like having candy? No. So can I conclude that I successfully beat my candy eating habit? I sure hope so. Part of me screams yes, however there is just this little part of doubt. I wonder whether policing yourself is a telltale sign that you have reached a success point. That brings me to my hives, which are now significantly less by the way. In terms of policing myself the hives are the flashlights and alarms. But exactly as with the police, they only come on with major events. Which makes me wonder whether it is possible to be a new you in the same environment?
The change of environment made me buy the candy. In my day to day life I changed everything that I was able to ‘’move’’ except the big constructs. In the end I changed but my environment has not. I can’t say that it hasn’t changed however in some way it really has not. Probably not making much sense at the moment, just trust that I too am feeling like a fish out of water at the moment. I’m a new me in the same environment. I had never thought about the sturdy constructs while figuring out what all needed to change in order for me to become who I want to be. Now I just can’t help but wonder if, and if yes, how I can change the big constructs or if there is something I am not seeing? Or better yet is it even possible for me to continue my transformation in the same environment?
I can’t help but wonder am I getting signs that I am ready for a new level in life?