So it’s been a little over a month since I first collapsed. I am still homebound and the end of chapter ‘’I don’t know’’ has not been written just yet. To be honest I am really ready to turn the page but as my doctor says patience is a virtue. My go-getter attitude has to be benched for the time being. Much to my dismay I have to admit, but if it is what’s needed to get me back on my feet I’ll oblige. It’s a strange thing though being in bed most of the day. I haven’t had this much time on my hands since I started my adventure. Well I always have time on my hands, just, you know, time in which I have nothing planned apart from resting. And thinking. A lot of thinking and wondering. Wondering about time to be exact.
Now I know wondering is the entire set up of my wonderlogues but I do feel like I am now in the virtue of tipping the scale. Tipping it to the side that I don’t want to be on. As the doctors have not yet found what is causing me to be in so much pain every time I get up I find myself wondering at all hours of the day what could be wrong with me. Needless to say this spikes my anxiety. Normally I would try to walk it off, but as I said being physically active spikes my pain. With the result being that I am in complete agony not knowing what to do with myself. Every time I get in this state of mind my own words are said back to me.
‘’In every bad situation is a positive, you just have to look for it.’’– DCPR.
That is one thing that I have noticed. The words I use and the effect it has on my surrounding has become super clear. Everyone in my surrounding keeps saying that I am such a positive person and I have to keep thinking positive and everything is going to work out. Without realizing, that has become the narrative of my life. I’m a positive thinker. No matter what anyone is facing, no matter how deep I’ll have to dig I’ll find something positive. However now it is me, I am the one in a state I never saw coming and to be honest I’m having a hard time finding it even though I know the positive is there. It just has to be.
I can’t help but wonder whether the fact that besides wondering about my health I also wonder about my life and the direction in which it is going. In all this wondering I have made some very great decisions, if I say so myself. Could it be that in all this that is my silver lining? The fact that my eyes are being opened to parts of my life that need to end and some that need to start. Not just that, I have once again become painfully aware of the value of time. As I find myself wondering half the day what it is that I would’ve been doing had I not been ill. The question whether that is in fact the way I want to be spending my time still lingers in the back of every answer.
I can however say one thing that is very positive, I have figured out how I can sit in a position that enables me to write. At least for a while. Still the delight is surreal I am telling you. Also it’s quite nice to see how my words are being used and interpreted by my surrounding. I just can’t help but wonder about time. Time and all that surrounds it.
Perhaps with time and more wondering about time I’ll figure it all out.