So it’s been a week. I don’t even know where to begin. To be honest all I want to write here is I don’t know. I don’t know how I got so lucky, how I got to have these amazing people around me or how I got to be the girl that got up and decided to fight. Decided to fight for herself. Herself and her dreams. How did I turn my life around in two years and also created a lucky mindset. My mentality today is completely different. For that I feel lucky. Very very lucky. Allow me to explain.
Being sick and me wanting to comfort myself and make me feel good comes with its battles as I explained last week. Some days are better and some are just days so to say. This past week one of those days was particularly hard. Hard as in I sat on my bed crying my eyes out while thinking about all the things I can’t do at the moment and even asked myself the question I hate the most; ‘’What are ‘’they’’ thinking?’’. Those of you who have been with me on this journey for minute know how I feel about that question (it’s one of the ugliest combination of words!).
I might feel that way, but anxiety feels differently. It thinks it is a fully legit question. It’s not, not then, not now not ever. My mind and my heart normally fight tooth and nail. They truly follow the saying that in love and war all is acceptable, however not this time. At some point I just thought ‘’Okay, today is going to be a day.’’. In that moment I allowed myself to get consumed by my thoughts and anxiety. At least that’s what I thought would happen. Instead I stopped crying, I took a breath and that anxious nervous trembling feeling started to go away.
In a weird way I felt relieved. Very relieved. I crawled under my blankets and had myself a day. I can’t help but wonder how come I found my relieve in giving in. Especially as I always felt I needed to do something with those thoughts. Dissect them, make them positive you know all the things I learned through self development. I can’t help but wonder whether this stems from me setting out to find me. Accepting, loving and celebrating me. I wonder whether the relieve came from me taking over again and being the author of My Story Of I.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.– DCPR.
If that’s the case or even if it’s not I feel lucky. Lucky, because had this been two years ago, without my lucky mindset, I don’t even know how this would’ve gone. I just can’t help but wonder how funny life is. Normally you go through the experience and the lesson reveals itself afterwards. Somehow I now feel like I got the lesson before the experience. Or perhaps my wondering is letting me down a path of wishful thinking. I don’t know. Either way I learned that day, once again, that I need to be kind to myself and give myself time. Seriously though what’s up with us and time?! The day I crack that I’m going to have a party. Seriously!
Could it be that life repeats a lesson whenever we need to freshen our knowledge or because we haven’t learned it properly yet? Or was it that my lucky mindset protected me? I can’t help but wonder.