To be honest I feel absolutely paralyzed. This week I’ll be back at a very scary point in my life. A point which, to be really honest, I have yet to process. My entire world is excited and wants updates and gets, perhaps rightfully, upset with me when I respond with ‘’I don’t know’’ and ‘’I’ll let you know when I know’’. It is the truth, I don’t know right now, I do have to wait. I’d love to say that the wait is eating me up alive because that would mean that I actually felt something, which I don’t. I’m numb and I’m scared and I don’t know which one is worse.
When people talk to me about it, they have this spark in their eyes and excitement in their voice that I cognitively know I should be reciprocating but I just can’t. It’s not there, it’s not in me right now. I’m so numb that I don’t even know what to do with my days anymore. Weird coming from me. The one who always has a plan, always something to do. I mean I have enough hobbies to keep me entertained for days. If that doesn’t work I go online and engage with you all. As you might have noticed by the lack of last week’s post, I couldn’t even do that.
The worst thing about this all is the one question I can’t help but wonder about; ‘’What am I going to do?’’. Wondering silently in my head is ‘’fine’’. It’s just that I get the question every other day from people in my environment which annoys me greatly. I am a very private person. Yes, even though I basically run an online diary, I still am a very private person. There are only a handful of people that I talk to that actually know what’s really going on in my life. It’s this summer that I finally picked up the pattern that brought that on.
It’s so that every time, at least in my perception, I’ve told someone that something however great or not was happening in my life, it had a tendency to fall through. On the other hand the times when I kept quiet it did happen. So I made the ‘’logical’’ conclusion that it was best to always keep my mouth shut about everything. The great, the good, the bad and the ugly. However, now, I have failed miserably in doing this and it is definitely adding to how I’m feeling and, even worse, aiding in my avoidance behavior.
I say avoidance behavior because I had figured at the start of all this that I keep all information to myself and when I have something solid, as in unchangeable, I’ll speak up. In the meantime I’ll just focus on other things such as writing for My Story Of I. Basically the way I’ve been going about most things that make me nervous; Deal with it when there’s something to deal with. However this time I’m numb and I’m scared. I actually know why too. The outcome will change my life and answer that annoying question; ‘’What am I going to do?’’ in some way either positively or negatively.
I guess what I’m most scared of is repeating the past I mentioned in the first paragraph. The one I tried to never think about again. Clueless as to what to do, I’m going to just let it all happen I guess.. I can’t stop it even if I wanted to..
To be continued,