I am my own passion. Sounds incredibly egocentric, I know but bear with me while I try to explain it. I have in the past months become my own little pet project. Science experiment or just human trial and error. All the above fits. I am still in experiment mode, however the experiment is taking unexpected turns and giving mixed results. I study psychology and the part about it that I love the most is narrative psychology. I am not going to bore you with a lengthy explanation of what it is, but will obviously have to tell you in order for this all to make sense! Narrative psychology is basically believing in the story of a person rather than looking for logic. How we perceive our story is how we shape our personal world. Now the name of my web page makes a lot of sense. What I am trying to do here is shape my reality to the one I actually want. Not the one I am currently living, which brings me to the question of what now?
Now the only way to do that is to turn things around, upside down and shake it all directions. Which is daunting and scary. Especially since I have no idea what the outcomes will be. The only thing I do know is that leading by example is the best way to go. And that the way my life looks in my head makes me incredibly happy. Another reason why I started this shake up is because I came across a quote (yes, I am a quote lover). The quote says the following:
‘’Unf*** yourself, be who you were before all that stuff happened that dimmed your f-ing shine.’’– Unknown
Upon reading that my one and only thought was: ‘’Only if it was that simple’’. It actually is, I have come to realize. The quote made me think back about who I was. A big part of that was happy and careless. Now I get that when you grow older you get more responsibilities therefor being careless is not really an option, however that is not what I am talking about here. I am talking about carelessness in doing, in trying, in not fearing everything and in not living with a constant ‘’what if’’. I could continue but I am just going to assume you got my point. I want to be the person I just described to you. From time to time I am, I just I do not know. The quote just resonates with me a lot.
At some point in time all decisions became about my future. All decisions made had to be good for the future me. My mind took over, always doing what made the most sense and avoiding anything that could ruin my future. In this process my heart lost its voice. There was no more time to do things that I wanted to do, the focus was on the future. Now here I am, future me, not really enjoying past me her decisions. I say not really because there are good parts. It is just that I thought my life plan would be my current reality in some way. Granted, a lot has changed, I have different dreams now than back then, but the point has not changed. The point is I thought I would be living my dream life. The reason I am not has everything to do with me. Dreams come from the heart and are made reality by efforts of the mind. Since my heart got told to shut up, it is only logical that my dream life is not my reality.
Now here we are, april 4th 2017. Roughly two months shy of me turning 23. A lot has changed since my last birthday. The realisation that I and only I am responsible for my happiness has kicked in, in full force. I have since then made a lot of clear cut decisions. Based on one argument only, well actually a question.
Will this or won’t this make me happy?
I have shaped my life to revolve around me, yet I somehow ended up in a position of half happiness. I just feel like something has to change again. I have this sense of ‘’Here I am, what now?’’. A question I just cannot seem to answer. I mean I managed to create a life that completely caters to my needs yet it does not. Basically I have full option to do whatever I want, however I do not know what that is. I made my life plan which I work on everyday but I feel like I am missing something somewhere.
A little after my 18th birthday my professor told me something that has stuck with me all these years:
‘’The world is at your feet all you have to do is take a step.’’
Now I wonder in which direction? I know he was and still is absolutely right. I have to take a step but in what to where? Ever since I watched ‘’Eat, Pray, Love’’ I have been thinking about what my professor said but also about feeling my own heartbeat. I came to realize that when I am abroad by myself I can feel my heart racing. I am however perfectly calm. Most importantly I am the happiest when abroad. Which is what I wanted to achieve with my life. The question ‘’What do you want to be?’’ is answered by me with happy. I want to be happy. Now I know if you want to be you should just be. Which I agree with, I just do not find it so simple lately. Then there is that other thing people say. ‘’Happiness is created by your own actions’’. I know that but how?
In the past months I managed to create my happiness by shuffling my life around and now that the road is wide open I have no idea where to go..