I have been taking the last months to transform my life. Transform my life to fit the picture in my head. To not only be thinking about a dream life, but also living it. So far I have been succeeding very well. So well even that I am ready to be adding the new in terms of things/people in my life. At least so I thought.
I tried adding new things to my day to day. Various things, but the one that interfered the most with me living the dream life was the addition of new people. I know I spoke of this before. Just last week I spoke of this in a manner of being able to handle it, feeling empowered and capable, but the reality is turning out different. I feel drained.
Catch up on my lengthy wonders about adding new people here.
I feel exhausted. Mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I see myself needing more time to recuperate after spending a day with them. Even after just a few hours. When I’m out and about with them I can feel myself wanting to go home. For me to be by myself and relax or go do something different. This sensation is new to me. Well not completely new, but the intensity is new.
I’ve always been a homebound person. There are few things I really enjoy, and would be jumping for joy to go out for. I know this seems contradictory to me wanting to have more adventures, but it does make sense. It’s a story I will explain some other day. Anyways I still feel empowered in the sense that when I feel overwhelmed I just go home, but I’m not supposed to be feeling overwhelmed. I can’t help but wonder why I feel this overwhelmed. This anxious actually.
At the moment I am just scarred that this is the beginning of the end of my dream life, which strangely enough my whole body is fighting against. Every time I just think the previous sentence a plan pops up in my head of how to fix it. Sadly enough it requires cutting ties with people I’m just getting to know. I’m not sure whether that is really the way to go? It just seems rude and not rightful to cut people out that I barely know. It feels like they haven’t even gotten a real chance?
Maybe it is exactly for that reason that I feel out of balance. I still need to figure out how to correctly, to my liking, fit these people in my life. As long as I don’t know them properly I can’t really do that, which would mean that I will feel out of balance for quite some time. That just can’t be. Judging a book by its cover is also a bad idea, so what am I to do now?
A new year with a lot of new things to wonder about.